Angel Tears...

The prevalence of male violence against women needs to be acknowledged. Abuse can take many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, psychological and economic. Any form of abuse can be devastating to a woman and can serve to erode her self-esteem and self-confidence. Abuse affects women of all cultures, ages, educational levels, socioeconomic backgrounds and sexual orientation. It has been apparent for centuries that, when women find adversity in their lives, they turn to the wisdom and support of other women. Together, the collective circles of women have created profound change in both the internal world of ourselves and the external world of our communities.

WHAT DOES ABUSE OR BATTERING MEAN?

When the terms "wife assault" or "battering" are used, we often think of physical violence or injury. Abuse is not always physical. Other forms of abuse can be just as harmful. Abuse includes assault and battering and all other forms of mistreatment and cruelty, such as constant threatening and psychological violence. All types of woman abuse have one thing in common--they are used to create fear.

If your partner does any of the following things, you may be a victim of abuse. He may:
Cut off your contact with friends and stop you from making new friends.
Read your mail.
Threaten to hurt anything that is special to you, like a pet or something you treasure.
Damage your property.
Make personal insults.
Strike you with his hand or with any object.
Threaten to have you deported.
Force you to do things you do not want to do for his sexual pleasure.

40% of assaults begin when the woman is pregnant.

WHAT KIND OF MAN ABUSES HIS PARTNER?

Men who abuse their partners come from every part of society. They may believe that they have a right to hit and control their partner. They may be very jealous and possessive. There are ways in which society encourages these attitudes.

Abusive men often blame others for their acts or make other excuses. They may feel pressured in their jobs. They often drink before they assault, but drinking does not cause the violence. Some men believe that violence is an acceptable way of dealing with anger. They may feel guilty when they see the damage they have done, but this does not stop them from doing it again. Between the episodes of abuse they can be extremely loving and caring.

Some men are able to change with professional help. Success depends almost entirely on their recognition that they have a problem and their willingness to change. This type of help is available in many communities.

It can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. There are many decisions to make, and many problems to overcome. You will have to think about protecting yourself and your children when you leave and where you can stay in the short term and long term. You must also think about how to support yourself. Do you have a job that pays enough to support you and your children? Will your partner pay support? Will you be able to get Social Assistance? How will you explain your decision to your children?

You may need help to make decisions and plans for the future. If you are not ready to leave yet, you can talk with someone you trust, like a doctor, a nurse, or a social worker. You can also contact the Assaulted Women's Help line in your area (check the front inside cover/page of your telephone book for listings) or other counseling services or agencies that offer support and advice.

Only you know your partner. You need to assess the risk you face if you stay, and the risk you face if you leave. Abusive men often become more dangerous when their partner actually leaves, or when it becomes clear that she is serious about leaving.

Whether or not you choose to leave your partner, your safety is the most important thing. You need to think about how to protect yourself and your children and know what to do and what to expect.

PROTECTION WHILE YOU STAY:

Tell neighbors & friends to call the police if they hear fighting or loud noises or see anything suspicious.
Tell people you can trust about the abuse.
Call a counseling agency or crisis line to discuss your situation and get help in planning to leave (you do not have to give your name).
Memorize the telephone number of a shelter or safe home.
Develop a safe escape plan.
Be prepared to call 911 or the police if you or your children are in danger.


SAFE ESCAPE PLAN:

Think about where you can go that is safe and he will not know to look for you. To a friend or relative; to a shelter, safe home, or hostel; to another town or city.

Put some money away in a safe place a little at a time. Move some of your things out a little at a time (for example, identification and other things he will not notice). Contact your local welfare/Social Services office to find out about the Community Start-Up Benefit or other help they can give you. Get legal advice about your situation.


BRING:

Clothes for a few days for you & the children.
The children's favorite toys or blankets.
Things like toothpaste, diapers, soap.
Money, keys.
Any medication you or the children need.
I.D. including birth certificates, health cards, passports, immigration documents, your driver's license & credit cards.
Any court documents, either from family law proceedings or previous peace bonds or criminal matters.
Other documents such as the deed for the house, apartment lease, bond certificates, SIN or Social Security card, marriage certificate. A copy of your partner's last income tax return is helpful but not necessary.
Any proof of the abuse like photos, threatening notes, or taped telephone messages.
Names and numbers of police officers you have called in the past.


TAKING THE CHILDREN:

If there is a court order concerning custody and access to the children, check with your family lawyer about whether you can take the children.
If there isn't a custody order, consult a family lawyer as soon as possible after you have left your home with the children.
Leave a note for your partner that states you have left with the children, that they are safe, and that your lawyer will contact him in the near future.
Keep a copy of this note.


WHEN TO LEAVE:

Only you can decide when the time is right for you to leave, but it is best to try to leave when he is not at home. Abusive men often become more violent when their partner leaves or when they realize she is about to leave.

Each situation is unique and requires different solutions. For legal advice concerning your particular situation you should consult a lawyer/legal aid.

CAN HE MAKE EXCUSES TO DEFEND HIS ACTIONS?

He may try to excuse himself by saying he was provoked, he was drunk, or he was defending himself.
It is no defense for him to say you provoked him. Provocation can only be used when he is being sentenced after he is convicted, or when the charge is murder.
He cannot excuse his acts by saying you caused them.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT A LIAR, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARTNER'S BEHAVIOR AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY AND DO AND THINK AND FEEL IS NOT WRONG!

CALL 911:

If you're afraid of your husband, because he has assaulted you, threatened you, or because he's just completely out of control and you know if you don't get him out of your home he's going to seriously hurt you, CALL 911.

When the police arrive, tell them:
-you want to talk to them privately
-exactly what happened, whether
you were assaulted, threatened or
suffered any other forms of abuse
-if it has happened before
-that he should be charged with
assault
-what, if any, weapons were used
and whether there are other
weapons in the house
-if anybody saw or heard the
assault.

ASK THEM:
-to take pictures of your injuries
-to help you leave or take you to a
shelter
-to give you their names & badge
numbers

IF YOU ARE HURT:
Ask the police to call an ambulance or take you to a hospital or to a doctor that you know and trust. Tell the hospital staff or the doctor exactly how you were hurt.

MAKE NOTES:
As soon as possible, make careful notes of everything that happened. Write down what everyone said and make a note of the times, dates, and names if possible. If you were hurt, write down all of the details. Include:
-exactly where you received the
injuries (for example, the upper
thigh or back of the neck
-how you were hurt (for example,
with his open hand, fist, or boot)
-how many times you were hit
-how severe your injuries were
(for example, bruises or cuts
requiring stitches)

FOR THE COURT:
KEEP ANY/ALL EVIDENCE OF THE ASSAULT IF THE POLICE DO NOT TAKE IT:
-addresses & telephone numbers of
witnesses
-photographs of your injuries
-torn clothing or property that was
damaged during the assault
-police reports, officers' names &
badge numbers
-medical or hospital records

CATEGORIES OF ABUSE:

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE:
slapping, kicking, shoving, choking, pinching, forced feeding, pulling hair, punching throwing things, burning, beating, use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object), physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor, bed. Running at you with the car.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE:
demeaning jokes, unwanted touching, excessive jealousy, comparison to others, inflicting pain during sex, withholding sex for punishment, treating someone as a sex object, name-calling, any forced sexual activity, sexual accusations, flaunted stories of extra-marital affairs, unwanted exposure to pornography, pressuring for sex after abuse.

INTIMIDATION:
demonstrating anger, smashing things, abusing pets, witnessing abuse, stomping out of room or house, inducing fear through looks, actions, gestures. Destroying victims' property, displaying weapons, sudden mood swings, pounding fist through wall or on table.

VERBAL ABUSE/MINIMIZING/DENYING/BLAMING:
angry outbursts, subtle brainwashing, accusing, saying abuse didn't happen, denying anger, attacking attitudes, beliefs, name calling, blaming, making light of abuse, not taking victim's concerns seriously, telling victim they caused abusive behaviors, belittling efforts of victim to improve themselves.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE/DEGRADATION/INSULTS/HUMILIATION:
putting another down, playing mind games, making another feel guilty, putdowns, removal of decision-making power, no privacy tolerated, driving in a frightening way, forcing another to do degrading things, ignoring, discounting another's activities, making another feel bad about themselves, making another feel as if they're crazy in public, or private humiliation, scolding, shouting, disrupting routines, forcing someone to "report to them", infantilization, denying basic rights.

ISOLATION:
limited outside involvement, moving residences, forcing someone to account for their time, making it difficult for someone to get a job, withholding affection for punishment, attempting to turn against their friends/family, forcing victim to avoid people/friends out of embarrassment, criticisms, humiliation in front of them, control of communication with others (i.e. listening in on phone calls, opening & censoring mail, reading private e-mail), using jealousy to justify isolation, being kept in the home, monitoring where someone goes, restricting use of the car, preventing someone from getting medical care.

ECONOMIC ABUSE/THEFT:
withholding funds, theft of money, fraud, forcing someone to ask for basic necessities, preventing another from getting or keeping a job, not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income, rationing money, theft of property, asking for receipts even for small purchases, making someone account for all money spent.

COERCING/THREATS:
making and/or carrying out threats, threatening suicide, threatening to report someone to welfare, threatening loved ones, threatening to kidnap children, legal harassment, threatening to find another partner, making another drop charges against perpetrator, threatening to leave, threatening homicide, making another do illegal things, threatening to harm property or pets, threatening deportation, forcing someone to "report" to them, threatening to come after partner if they leave, threatening to use information abuser may have about someone's past life against them, threatening to remove financial support if partner won't have sex, terrorizing (i.e. driving recklessly, tying noose around someone's neck, playing with a gun or knife in victim's presence.)

OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES:
(when not the norm or after abusive behaviors):
compliments, hugs, gifts, money, flattery, apologies, taking out to dinner.

ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS:
food preparation - choice of purchases, time served, temperature of food;
household duties - small details (i.e. amount of bath water used, wrong egg scrambled).

USING CHILDREN:
making her feel guilty about the children, using visitation to harass partner, using the children to relay messages, threatening to take the children away.

USING PRIVILEGE FOR PURPOSE OF POWER OVER:
treating someone like a servant, acting like the "master of the castle", making all the "big" decisions, being the one to define everyone else's roles.

PSYCHOLOGICAL UNAVAILABILITY:
silent treatment, ignoring, forcing someone to say what abuser wants to hear, treating another's concern as unimportant or a nuisance or being angered by them; not listening, conditional affection.

CRAZY MAKING:
denial of situation, lying to someone's friends, using Jekyll/Hyde personality, teaching someone a "lesson", saying things like "You've never had it so good" and "I have made you what you are." Tell someone they're crazy, finding someone at fault for everything, telling small lies about unimportant things, saying one thing and expecting something else.

EXHAUSTION:
deprivation of sleep, food, money. Demanding too much sex, asking "Why are you tired?" (under these circumstances). Not being allowed to be sick or have special needs, enforcing unrealistic expectations, waking someone up to fight.

NEGLECT:
inadequate hygiene, withholding medical services, withholding or inadequate provision of physical requirements (i.e. food, housing, medicine, clothing, physical aids). Inadequate safety precautions taken.

VIOLENT & COERCIVE BEHAVIORS:

Abuse happens everywhere, regardless of wealth, influence, color, creed. The statistics are scary; it's just amazing the number of men who abuse their wives and show no remorse, nor do they take any responsibility for their actions.


PHYSICAL: assaults with weapons - guns, knives, whips, tire irons, cars, tent poles, high-heeled shoes, chair legs, broken bottles, pillows, cigarettes, poison.
Assaults with the batterer's own body - biting, scratching, kicking, punching, stomping, slapping, throwing down stairs, smashing eye glasses on the face of the victim, locking the victim in a closet or utilizing other confinement, tickling until loss of breath or panic.
Sleep interference, deprivation of heat or food.

SEXUAL: rape, sex on demand, sexual withholding, weapons utilized or threatened sexually, forced sex with others, involuntary prostitution, coercing monogamy or nonmonogamy, denying reproductive freedom, physical assaults during sexual intercourse, sexually degrading language.

PROPERTY: arson, slashing of car tires, clothing, and furniture, pet abuse or destruction, stealing and destruction of property, breaking and entering, pulling out telephones, breaking household items.

THREATS: threats to commit physical, sexual, or property destruction, threats of violence against significant third parties, stalking, harassment.

ECONOMIC CONTROL: control over income & assets of partner, property destruction, interfering with employment or education, economic fraud, purchases of valuable assets in the name of the batterer only, using credit cards without the partner's permission, not working and requiring the victim to support the batterer.

PSYCHOLOGICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
humiliation, degradation, lying, isolation, selection of entertainment/friends/religious experience, telling the partner that she is crazy, dumb, ugly; withholding critical information, selecting the food the partner eats, bursts of fury, pouting or withdrawal, mind manipulation.

MORE SIGNS OF VIOLENCE:

Making & or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her, threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things.

USING INTIMIDATION:
Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures; smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
Putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty, sleep deprivation.

USING ISOLATION:
Controlling what she does, who she sees & talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.

MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING:
Making light of the abuse & not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.

USING CHILDREN:
Making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass her, threatening to take the children away, abusing the children.

USING MALE PRIVILEGE:
Treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's and women's roles.

USING ECONOMIC ABUSE:
Preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money, not letting her know about or have access to family income.

'BASIC' PROFILE OF ABUSIVE MEN:

Possessiveness - view their partners as their own property.

Control & Power - believe they have a right to control their partners, tell them what to do, and expect obedience; feel justified in using force to maintain power & control over partners, and get them to comply; feel their partners have no right to challenge this.

Externalize Blame - will not assume responsibility for their actions; projects the blame for their anger or violence onto others (especially their partners).

Tendency to Justify, Deny, Minimize, or Reframe their behavior - for example "someone has to be in charge", "I have never hit you", or "That's not the way it happened at all. You are over-reacting."

Unrealistic Expectations of Partners to Fulfill Their Needs - expect their partners to make them feel happy, make them feel complete.

Express Most Feelings as Anger in the Form of Violence - don't know how to identify & express hurt, frustration, stress, sadness, fear, etc. Chooses to express them in the form of anger & abusive behavior towards partner; displaces anger from others sources (work, finances, etc.) onto partner.

An abuser may be impulsive & quick tempered but is able to demonstrate extra ordinary control when to do so is in his best interest i.e.. around people he is trying to impress, the police, co-workers, the court, etc.

Isolation - tendency to cut partners off from other relationships; tendency to have only superficial friendships or contacts with others themselves; difficulty in sharing problems or discussing deep personal feelings.

Abusive men in particular believe in traditional male/female rolls; as man is breadwinner & ultimate decision maker; to be a man one must be strong, dominant, superior & successful.

Need to Maintain an Over-Adequate Facade - inability to reveal vulnerability or anxiety (with the exception, perhaps, of the period immediately after an abusive incident); avoid their own feelings of dependence.

Alcohol Abuse Varies - 25% abuse only when drunk; 25% when drunk or sober; 25% never drink; 25% are social drinkers & not drunk when abusing. These stats may vary slightly, but the abuse happens whether or not abuser is using alcohol or drugs.

Socialized into Aggression - have been taught directly or indirectly that aggression is an appropriate means of problem-solving and of demonstrating authority in certain situations.

Lacking Self Esteem - many people lack self esteem and are not abusive. But abusers attempt to displace those feelings through power & control over their partner.

Not Mentally Ill - the proportion of mentally ill battering men is no greater than the proportion of mentally ill people in the population at large.

ABUSIVE MEN KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND ALSO HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THEIR ACTIONS.

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND:

LISTEN, BELIEVE HER STORY. DO NOT JUDGE. It's not your job to prove how it happened. It's your job, as a friend, to listen & give comfort & support.

LET HER KNOW YOU CARE & WANT TO HELP. Use patience & understanding. Let her decide what help she wants from you. It is very important that she make her own decisions. You can listen & offer suggestions & encouragement but she must choose what will be best for her.

LET HER KNOW SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. You may need to do this over & over again. It is important that she knows the offender is to blame, not her. Avoid asking blaming questions such as "Why did you go there with him?", "Why didn't you scream?", etc.

RESPECT HER RIGHT TO PRIVACY by letting her be in control of whom she wants to tell. You should not repeat her story unless she has specifically asked you to.

PUT ASIDE YOUR FEELINGS and deal with them somewhere else. It is very difficult to listen to the hurt, anger, and pain someone close to you is having without you feeling that way too. It is important that you talk about these feelings with someone else because it is difficult enough for her to deal with her own feelings without having to deal with yours as well.